


Continuous Improvement

by PeppyBismilk



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Auditor Caspar von Bergliez, Fluff, M/M, Meet-Cute, Scientist Linhardt von Hevring, seteth is not amused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29415543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeppyBismilk/pseuds/PeppyBismilk
Summary: Linhardt thought he hated audits, but maybe the auditor was the problem all along.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 6





	Continuous Improvement

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mozaikmage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mozaikmage/gifts).



Linhardt came _this close_ to calling in sick today.

His company couldn’t pay him enough to care about the external audit, but the fact is, they do pay him and can just as easily stop if he misses it. That doesn’t mean he has to enjoy this particular bit of quality theater. He’s tried misbehaving in the past: answering questions the auditor didn’t ask, pointing out which procedures only exist to cover asses (all of them), and falling asleep during the audit, but like jury duty, he keeps getting summoned. It must have something to do with being principal scientist… Perhaps he should get himself demoted. 

Linhardt is on his fifth cup of tea when fate comes a-knocking on his office door in the form of Seteth. 

“Let’s get this over with,” Linhardt mutters as he undocks his laptop. “I’m sure Hanneman misses me just as much as I miss him.”

“Hanneman is no longer with the company,” Seteth says tightly. Only then does Linhardt notice that the lines around Seteth’s eyes are deeper than usual. “I’m sure you had something to do with his decision.”

“Perhaps he simply tired of creating problems where there were none.” But it’s good news. A new auditor means he can go back to his old tricks, and despite all the caffeine he’s consumed, his eyelids begin to feel heavy.

“You will explain how the records retention policy pertains to your job.” Seteth ignores his remark but his tone betrays his disapproval. “You will answer only the questions you are asked, and you will stay awake until you are dismissed.”

Linhardt only exaggerates his yawn a little. “No promises.”

“You should stay awake during working hours, but that’s between you and your boss.”

“You’re welcome to speak to Byleth if you have any issues with my performance,” Linhardt reminds him. He only gets a grumble in response. Talking to Byleth is even more confounding than talking to an auditor, but that’s what Linhardt likes about them. Well, that and how they let Linhardt work without supervision, only checking in every six months to make sure his insipid performance plan is still relevant. 

“Just…” Seteth rubs his temples as he leads Linhardt to the conference room. “Try not to get the auditor too excited.”

Excited? Since when does any auditor get excited about anything? Hanneman was about as exciting as dry toast, and the environmental auditor once mentioned collecting vacuum cleaners, but even she hadn’t sounded very enthusiastic about it. 

“You don’t have to worry,” Linhardt assures him. But then he lays eyes on the auditor. 

The  _ young _ auditor. The young,  attractive auditor with the clear blue eyes, bright blue fauxhawk, broad smile, and broader chest, sitting at the head of the table, legs bouncing like a child in need of a potty break. But this is no child, which begs the question: what peer of Linhardt’s would be interested in becoming an auditor?

“Hey!” The auditor pops up and extends a hand (his other is wrapped around a soda bottle). “My name’s Caspar. I’m just here to make sure you’re following your own best practices, and to drink your Mountain Dew!”

Seteth frowns. “This is number five.”

“Caffeine twins,” says Linhardt without thinking, holding up his mug in mock cheers.

“Cool!” Caspar’s hand is strong and warm when he shakes Linhardt’s—not at all sweaty. In fact, it’s Linhardt whose palms are a little damp. 

Most peculiar. 

“All right!” Caspar releases Linhardt and cracks his knuckles. “Down to business. Tell me about yourself!”

And even though Caspar doesn’t need to know anything about him to get  _ down to business, _ Linhardt pulls out one of his business cards and slides it across the table. Caspar’s fingers brush his when he reaches for it. 

“Thank you, Dr. von Hevring.” He says it like he’s impressed, and Linhardt’s cheeks feel warmer than his teacup. “How are you already a doctor? You’re so young!” 

“I skipped several grades, and _Linhardt_ will do.” There’s no reason to tell Caspar any of this. 

“Wow, you must be super smart!” That’s just a fact, so why does it feel like flattery when Caspar says it? “I’m sure this audit will be a breeze for you.” 

Seteth snorts, reminding Linhardt that he and Caspar are not in fact the only people in the room. 

“Anyway, here’s my card,” Caspar goes on. He doesn’t seem to notice Seteth’s snark, and he passes Linhardt a card. Their hands don’t touch this time, but Linhardt runs his fingers over the smooth bumps embossed on the cardstock.

“I like this texture,” he says, and he swears Caspar shivers. It’s probably the caffeine. That has to be the reason Linhardt’s heart is beating faster. 

Seteth clears his throat. “We have a schedule.”

“Right!” Caspar chugs his soda, entrancing Linhardt with his neck muscles. Goodness, prolonged sleep deprivation is finally catching up with him. “If you needed data from an old report, what would you do?”

Let the games begin. “I would try to remember it off the top of my head.”

Seteth groans something under his breath and Caspar looks confused. 

“That’s not what your procedure says.”

“You didn’t ask what the procedure said. You asked what I would do,” Linhardt explains. Auditor stubbornness looks kind of cute on Caspar. His lips protrude and his nose wrinkles, as if Linhardt’s words don’t compute. 

“So, you’re saying you don’t follow the procedure?”

“The procedure is written so that I don’t have to follow it,” Linhardt replies. “Isn’t that the point of these audits?” 

“No, the point is to make sure you’re following the rules you’ve laid out!” Caspar actually sounds passionate about it, and Linhardt almost feels bad for giving him a hard time. “And procedure R1000P032 states—”

“It states that ‘data  _ may _ be obtained by referencing the report database.’”

“Well, what if you didn’t generate the data?”

“Then it probably isn’t worth referencing.”

“Relevance of the data aside, how do you make sure it gets entered into the system?” Caspar is saying all those auditor-ish things, but his face is alive and his shoulders bounce in a way that says ‘I don’t collect vacuum cleaners and if I did I would make it fun!’

And that makes Linhardt’s belligerence even sweeter. He crosses his arms. “I think you’ll find that procedure R1000P005 is opt-in.”

“But what if you die on the way home from work today?” 

“Then I won’t care one way or the other, will I?” Linhardt says matter-of-factly. Arguing with Hanneman was nowhere near this fun; Linhardt isn’t even tired anymore. 

Pink suits Caspar’s cheeks, and coupled with his hair, he looks a bit like cotton candy. Probably tastes like it, too, from all the Mountain Dew he drinks. Come to think of it, Linhardt’s never tasted the stuff. It would be a shame if he died before he got the chance.

“We’re getting very off topic,” Seteth says, “so please just show him the system and return to your cave, Linhardt.”

“Hey!” Caspar glares at Seteth. “That’s not very nice!” 

Ooh, Linhardt thinks, he respects the system but not authority. He shifts in his seat, liking Caspar more by the minute. “But I’m having so much fun with this hypothetical discussion. Perhaps we can continue it over lunch. The company probably brought in sandwiches, but the place I have in mind is much better.”

Caspar brightens. “That sounds awesome! I’m just gonna need to use the bathroom first.”

“And  _ finish this section of the audit,”  _ Seteth says through his teeth. He taps the printed itinerary. “Lunch isn’t for another 45 minutes.”

“But I’m hungry now.” Caspar’s lower lip catches the light as he pouts. 

“Yes, Seteth, he’s hungry now.” Linhardt is hungry too, though for what, he isn’t sure. “You can’t possibly expect him to audit on an empty stomach.” 

Caspar stands up again, and Linhardt lets himself admire the muscular lines of his body a little longer this time. Beef for lunch, he decides. 

“Come on, Linhardt! Let’s go to the bathroom!” 

He sounds far too excited about it, but Linhardt just shakes his head in amusement. “I’ll show you where it is. Then you can drive me to the restaurant.”

“Awesome!”

And as they walk through the halls, chatting and getting to know each other better, the muffled sounds of Seteth yelling from inside the conference room only serve to make Linhardt hungrier. 

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t resist a very specific workplace AU, especially for one of my favorite ships, but I never thought I’d be writing about audits. I hope you got a kick out of it!


End file.
